On being you and me
Being the person you are rather than the leader you think you’re supposed to be
Sometimes its hard to be your truly authentic self. Very few people get to see the full beans no filter version of me, mainly because if they did I can’t imagine I would be employed for very long. Even so, there is an authentic version of me that I try to make sure is the one the world sees – honest with kindness, open and genuine, and only boring and professional when I really have to be. This is the version of me that I enjoy being the most, as it’s where I tend to do my best work. Authentic me loves to be at the centre of a community, to play a role in its success, but also tries wherever possible to avoid the limelight – no ones there to see me, they’re there to be part of the community so I do my best to get out of the way and let that happen.
In some environments this works well, in others……not so much.
As leaders, a big part of our role is to lead. Leadership is a fairly ambiguous trait, and often means different things to different people. Some people want a blood and thunder tub thumping glorious totem that they would follow without question on to death and glory. Others want someone who is calm under pressure while all around them is chaos – the island in the storm who can guide them through the maelstrom. Others want a role model they can relate to, others want someone who they can aspire to. It could be anyone, or it could only be someone. And not only that, the leader that one person needs may not even be the same for every member of a group. Some may look for one type of leader, some may need another.
It’s a minefield.
Many inexperienced community leaders (myself very much included) have an idea of what an effective leader of a community should look like, and its often incongruent with how they see themselves. In my case I looked at those people who inspired me – those who held an audience on their every word, those who no matter how busy they were made me feel like I was the only person that mattered, those who made me laugh. Then I would look at me and not see that at all, and decide that if I ever wanted to be a successful leader I couldn’t be me, and I would have to be someone else. And so I would pretend – I would try and be funny, I would try and come up with something inspirational to say each time I welcomed or closed a community session, and I would be extroverted and over enthusiastic around all interactions. It was hard work being that version of me, and it only grew harder and harder as it somewhat inevitably wasn’t working. It was a deeply uncomfortable realisation for me when I finally understood why it wasn’t working, and from talking to others I know I’m not alone.
In my limited experience, one of the most important traits that community members look for in a leader is that they are genuine. That when they talk, they are telling the truth and telling it from the heart, not what they think you want to hear. And as humans, we have a subconscious sense for when someone isn’t being honest or genuine with us, and we pull away. Its hard to trust someone who we don’t believe is being straight with us, even if they’re doing so for the ‘right’ reasons. The uncomfortable truth that community leaders often have to face is that the members of their community are often joining because of them not in spite of them, and want and need their leader to be themselves not somebody else.
Being yourself in front of other people can be a difficult and occasionally scary experience. Being yourself is an inherently vulnerable position to be in, because you have no mask or persona to hide behind. You just have to be confident that people will accept you for you, and that you are capable of being the leader you hope to be. And the thing is – by doing that, you ARE showing that you are capable of being the leader the community you need. I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time unsuccessfully looking for a post I remember seeing from Rosie Sherry that said something very similar to “I don’t want to be part of a community where I can’t be myself”, and it's really stuck with me. The fact that you lead a community means you are passionate about the same domain as the rest of the members. The fact that you are – ultimately – there to learn and improve that which you practice means you share the same goals as the other members. And by being the authentic and vulnerable version of you, you are doing the most important thing a community leader can do – you are proving that its safe for other members to be themselves as well.
If there was a tldr; that I could give you for this post it would be this – one of the most significant and meaningful roles a community leader can fulfil is to set the tone for the group, and to show that its safe for all members they are safe and welcome to be who they are. This cannot be done by someone who doesn’t feel safe and welcome to be themself, but they are empowered to help build whatever the conditions may be for them to do so.
Thanks so much for reading, if you’ve enjoyed this post I’d really appreciate it if you could share it - alternatively you could always buy me a coffee :)